Happy Marriage?

Our wonky culture has a tendency to create great confusion about what our goal in marriage is. Very often the message is that marriage exists primarily to meet our needs and to make us happy.

As I have observed hundreds of marriages very closely in my office in marriage counseling it has become clear to me that the true goal of marriage is not primarily happiness but our…GROWTH. I encourage you to sit with that for a few minutes… Our culture says “get “ – get your needs met, get what your partner is supposed to give you, get fulfilled. On the other hand, research shows that most truly healthy, reciprocal, and loving relationships focus on healthy giving and growing.

Growth…If we resist the cultural imperative to “get “we can punch through to the other side of living and find ourselves growing together, and growing on purpose.

This growth focus also enables us to zero in honestly on our part, our contribution to the wobble in the relationship. And that growth focus can go beyond the relationship to focus on what changes each member must make in order to be their best selves. What a wonderful world we would love it if we all had this growth focus.

This healthy growing together enables healthy secure attachments to grow and flourish. Secure attachments allow us to let go of our obsession with getting our needs met and defending ourselves and our “turf “.

Then and only then will we move towards focusing on supporting the growth and needs of the other. This is a turnabout that does, in fact, change everything!

My next post will focus on the magic question in marriage… I’ll share that with you and you’ll see it’s powerful transformative impact!
Jon