Marriage: a thousand little course corrections

Part 1: Creating incredible into-me-see (Intimacy)

One of the most effective tools for dramatic improvement in marital communication is also the most inexpensive and easiest to implement. Over the years, I have come to call it “The Lovers Breakfast”. As the title implies, it’s a breakfast for both spouses beginning with monthly meetings, and then when the change in communication begins to become a part of your marital DNA it will shift to a quarterly event but do not be in a hurry to go to a quarterly schedule. If you both invest in the Lover’s Breakfast, you may find it is one of your favorite events each month – and it is wonderful modeling for your children watch Mom & Dad walk out the door eager to make their marriage just a little bit better.

So, let’s say the couple selects the first Saturday of each month, they will come together to evaluate how they each believe they are doing in several areas of their relationship. I believe that progress checks are best done in hundreds of small, incremental course corrections that can result in the couple actually arriving at their destination of a profoundly intimate marriage.
Many marriages put themselves in a position where their course corrections are so few and far between that is just too difficult to manage the shift from the old to the new. If the inevitable course corrections are too far apart the attachment to the old is too great…that is why the incremental, more frequent changes are much, much easier to manage. Why make changing your marriage harder than it is already? Cut the change into smaller, doable chunks and you both will be energized by the change rather that weighted down by it!

The Breakfast begins with High/Low. Both spouses share their high light of the past month – this doesn’t have to be related to the marriage, but it will be increasingly so as you get closer and closer. Then share the lowlight from the past month; then follow with an explanation of why it was the lowlight.

The couple will assess then rate four areas of developing intimacy in a lighthearted atmosphere. First, they will rate their growing overall intimacy or “into – me- see”.

Secondly, they then rate their own ability to let their partner close on a scale of 1-10, 10 being their ideal connection. Where they increasingly allow one another close and are rapidly becoming safe and “good faith spouses”. Then they seek examples of how they took risks that paid off throughout the month.

Thirdly, this is perhaps the most difficult self-assessment we can do as fragile humanoids. We evaluate our own progress… Incrementally. We evaluate our own progress in our ability to allow our spouse close. This lies at the heart of intimacy. It is challenging because it’s very easy to fear that you are providing your spouse with ammunition to use against you. But that is the way your old relationship worked. You both are discovering now that nothing is used against the other because that shuts into-me-see down. And you want growth to expand; you want all the good stuff, so there is no time to worry about “winning” small, petty battles that really erode closeness instead of growing it.

Then they will move on to evaluate their date night intimacy (see Part 2 : Intimate Dating). As with the rating of overall intimacy, rate your dating intimacy 1-10. Remember that one of the reasons you are doing this each month is to learn how to talk about aspects of your relationship in CONSTUCTIVE ways. It’s very easy to slip back into old patterns and criticize your spouse’s efforts instead of finding the positive and build on it. Try to remind yourself constantly, whatever you focus on will grow. And then, ask yourself what you want to grow in your relationship. If you want it to be more intimate; then you have to focus on the positive and that’s what will multiply.

The first couple of months that you utilize your List of 12 things, you both will need to do some fine-tuning… another useful function of the Lovers Breakfast. Almost always, one spouse will be more focused on date planning than the other. So, the strategy that the more motivated spouse must employ is patience and focus on the positive.

One relational dynamic that always comes into play when you adopt a new behavior is competency. Generally speaking, men are slightly more focused on feeling competent in the relationship, or, you might say they are more focused on the fear they carry of being incompetent. And dating usually is one of the areas where men feel more incompetent than women. That means that women may need to employ patience and gratitude more at the beginning. AND GUYS – you must press through the fear of not doing it well and focus on doing your BEST. It’s not rocket science and both of you will enjoy the different kinds of intimacy that begins to appear in your marriage.

The final quick sharing tool you will need to do for the Lover’s Breakfast is practicing gratitude. I always ask both spouses to keep their eyes open throughout the month for at least three risks, new behaviors or simply effort that is appreciated that they have noticed in their partner’s behavior.

So, the agenda for the monthly Lover’s Breakfast would look like this:

1. High/Low: Just to get the blood flowing, each share their high light of the past month – and they’re low as well. This doesn’t need to be necessarily related to the marriage… But it is an effective way for spouses to update each other on what has been going on in their lives. That is an important aspect of intimacy. This is also wonderful practice for the listener, who’s role in the sharing is to be a good listener. You can ask clarifying questions, one of the most effective questions anyone can use in marriage is “would you tell me more about that? ” In many marriages, communication and intimacy have been shut down by either one or both spouses hearing, “tell me less about this. ” It is a basic human need to have at least one person in their life that they know desires to hear more about what they have to say… Instead of less.
2. Overall Intimacy Rating. 1-10. Share why you chose the rating you did – AND the listener just listens with real curiosity. This is just for your information…if you hear something from your spouse that stings tell yourself simply that this is their perspective and yours is simply yours. And then…. practice the magic question, “Can you tell me more about your score?”, then listen to their response. Really listening communicates that you really are seeking intimate communication – not just asserting that you are right! Consider this…Do you want to be happy and intimate or right? I don’t know about you but being happy and intimate feel much better than winning a meaningless battle to be right.
3. How am I doing at letting you close? Our goal is to move closer and closer to the other to remind us of how good it feels when you begin to lose momentum. The more we experience intimacy, the more we want; this is a good addiction! It’s how are designed to live!
4. Date Night Rating/Fine Tuning. Share why you chose the rating you did – AND the listener just listens with real curiosity. Also, adopt any adjustments that you feel are helpful to move your dating relationship forward.