Attachment distress

Attachment is committed connection. It is perhaps, our deepest and most primal need. When one feels attached, they sense their partner’s commitment to move deeper and deeper into their own definition of intimacy.

Distress enters the picture when one partner feels or expresses anxiety over the felt loss of intimacy.

Attachment distress is often relieved by the partner who is considered to be waffling on their commitment. When this partner
recognizes their counterpart is experiencing distress over the lack of growth or commitment to the growth of the relationship, they must validate and empathize with their feelings, in order to soothe and reassure their spouse.

It is important to realize that words of reassurance will only go so far. Those words need to be followed up by actions that tells the distressed spouse that they are safe.

Every committed relationship thrives by sincere reassurance and long-term demonstration of commitment. The reassurance must be shaped by the distressed spouse’s attachment needs. The sense of security does not rise out of prenuptial agreements, expensive wedding rings, or a couple of weeks of repentant flowers and cards. It must be sincere, and based on a deep knowledge of what the other needs to relieve their distress long-term.

Often the mystified spouse will inadvertently create significantly more distress because of their misunderstanding of what their spouse needs.

This distressing dysfunctional dance can often look like this. Partner one expresses fear that their partner is moving away and is not committed long-term to their relationship. Partner one’s misunderstanding of partner two’s need to feel heard and reassured, moves perhaps infantecibly away, “proving” to spouse number one that the relationship is in fact endangered.

Often, spouse number two will then express anger and use self protective behaviors, over the thing that created the insecurity in the first place. Addressing the “truth” about the event or series of events, that has created the distress for spouse number one has perceived, is rarely helpful. Generally attacking the spouse’s perception of these events tightens their grip on their perception and invites more mistrust and distress.

Every time I see two spouses in this dysfunctional dance, my heart sinks as they are missing a great opportunity for love and and into-me-see slipping away from them.

I see couples swinging and missing at a great opportunity for connection. One image that has always stuck with me when I observe this is the sinking of the ill fated Titanic. When the massive ship that was considered unsinkable, hit the iceberg, the radio operator immediately sent out distress signals. The distress signals were designed to get help on site… NOW! So the first test of whether that will happen, is the radio operator sending clear distress signals. Inserting anger into the equation by either spouse will result in tremendous confusion about what either spouse is really feeling. Honest and straightforward, distress signals clearly communicate what the spouse is hoping for; more secure and committed intimacy.

Let’s return to the image of the distress signals coming from the Titanic. Expressing anger in this equation is much the same when the Carpathian, the first rescue ship appeared, the crew of the Titanic sent confusing distress signals. Imagine if the Titanic opened fire over the heads of the rescue boats who began picking people up out of the water. The gunfire would certainly confuse the sailors manning the rescue boats… Wondering if the freezing victims genuinely do want to be rescued; and loved.

It is vitally important for spouse number one to understand that distressed spouse number one really is seeking a deeper commitment and is experiencing distress because they are afraid and anxious. That opens the door for the spouse number two to communicate their desire for the same. Then you see less inflammation around the wound which facilitates healing AND intimacy… Exactly what both spouses desperately want.

This is the process, of course simplified for our uses, that will lead the couple to the promised land. The key components are vulnerability, courage, empathy, and compassion. In our next foray into attachment distress, we will discuss the beauty of entering into both spouses wounded hearts.