How to maintain the lasting friendship with your spouse, Vol. 2

We have agreed that 1) friendship is a vital element of any healthy marriage 2) the number one element in maintaining that deep and abiding friendship is mutual respect. Right? So given those assumptions, I believe the number two most important aspect of healthy marital friendship is time and presence. No, I am not cheating and squeezing in two elements in one. I believe these are two conjoined twins that must be considered together.

Please hang with me because I believe these two are the most threatened species in our culture. I believe that our culture pumps toxic nuclear waste into all of us and all of our relationships. The toxins I speak of are multitasking, fragmented priorities, and chronic distraction. They are so prevalent that we do not even see them until it’s too late.

Please remember, there is always one spouse who has more awareness in this area than the other. Bringing awareness in this area requires sensitivity and commitment to change yourself before you attempt to change anybody else.

Let’s start with time. We all know this is a tremendously scarce commodity in our lives. You will never wake up in the morning and say, “I have nothing on my calendar today, maybe I can use my time today rethink my priorities with my spouse. And you cannot subscribe to the belief that you can’t set aside time for your marriage. It just takes making it a priority. Choosing.

There is a plethora of different time structures that couples adopt to enhance their friendship.
Here are some examples:
1) Have coffee together in the morning.
2) Commit to date nights twice a month – one spouse plans a date on the first Saturday of the month, the other takes the third.
3) End the day at least once a week streaming their favorite TV show.
4) Plan getaways without the kids at least quarterly.
5) Text throughout the day. It is a wonderful way to let the other know you’re thinking about them.
6) Physical nonsexual touch…
7) Just stop! Look into her eyes, see her. Say, “I love you”. It can be done in 15 seconds. I’ve timed it.
8) I’d love to hear your ideas… what is your unique friendship time plan?

The second part of this will make or break any plan you select for creating time with your spouse. It is presence. Your time plan will enable you to be physically present with your beloved, presence will make you emotionally and relationally connected. Presence requires awareness and rigorous personal honesty.

An important word regarding electronic devices.
I’m going to be very honest about this… We must admit that there is an addictive quality about our beloved iPhone. The anxiety that you experience when you haven’t checked your phone in the last 30 minutes is often the very same kind of anxiety an alcoholic experiences when they have not had to drink. Of course, many addictions also have a significant physical component, but we all have witnessed either ourselves or others genuinely losing it because they can’t get to their phone. And, we have to be very honest about what digital choices we want to model for our children or grandchildren.

Setting aside our phones when we are together increases personal presence. Eye contact is one of the most meaningful ways people experience your presence with them. Simply being in the same room together scrolling through your phones will not enhance your marital friendship. There are many blogs that suggest wonderful boundaries couples have set regarding digital time management. One very simple way of addressing this is agreeing to set aside your devices when you are seeking quality time together. Many couples will create an exception if their children or another individual that both spouses have previously identified, calls or texts.

Another word for presence is mindfulness. The mindfulness movement has made tremendous inroads in terms of individual awareness. Most of our distraction and lack of presence is the result of unconscious behavior. It’s reflex, response. No conscious thought is involved. All you have to do is insert five seconds of conscious thought and you can choose what you want to do. But you must first decide you are going to be more mindful, more present, and then things begin to change. Usually, the reason we get married or commit to a relationship long-term is because we want to have OUR person in our lives. That usually involves desiring to be a priority to that one special person. If we desire to be a priority in our spouse’s life, it’s probably true they really desire that as well. And usually that involves sacrifice, choosing to be present to that person. Choosing them.

Time and presence. Sit down and evaluate how well you do this in relationship. What changes do you want to make? Who do you want to be and how will you get there? I’d love to hear some of your insights and solutions!