3 attributes couples need to enhance empathy, Part 1

Empathy is the magic ingredient for couples who want to enhance closeness and connection. I can guarantee you that there is at least one of you in your relationship who believes they are more empathetic than the other. True? Have you guys fought over this topic? That is a huge waste of precious time and energy – right? Why not try something much better?

So let me give you the good news… empathy is a learned behavior and can be acquired for most people within a short period of time. It will have a huge impact on your spouse, but give you a quality to apply to all your friendships… And even make you much better with colleagues at work. But maybe more importantly, it gives you an opportunity to model a much healthier behavior for your kids and grandkids. Once empathy is modeled for others they will quickly, and almost involuntarily, begin to acquire empathy as well.

I’m going to give you the three elements of empathy and a homework assignment to use to develop empathy into a strength rather than a weakness. Today, I’m going to give you the first attribute of empathy… And I’m going to give you a bonus skill as well.

Attribute 1. Listening skills
We live in a multitasking world. If you stop and observe yourself carefully, you probably rarely will find yourself not multitasking. Several years ago, I had about five minutes between clients and found myself unzipping my pants in the hallway on the way to the bathroom to save time. Multitasking is not always the best choice. FOCUS! This awareness, in and of itself, can help you become a much better listener.

Body Language: Eye contact, Tone of voice, Facial expressions
What you say is not nearly as important as HOW you say it. The goal is to warm up the conversation; to make the other feel cared for and not on the defensive. Listen to yourself and even test drive a new tone of voice that will really convince people that you’re interested in what they have to say. This tool will do more to make your partner feel seen and heard than any other skill you can learn. Eye contact does not require a dead stare but setting other things aside and actually looking at the person you’re caring for.
Homework: Try it out! Not just with your spouse, but with others. Not in a creepy way but realize that everybody enjoys feeling “seen”. Monitor yourself. Then, after a week of practice, ask your partner if they have noticed anything about your ability to listen to them. Have a real (empathetic) discussion about eye contact, tone of voice and facial expressions and how they feel about it.

Bonus Skill: Sometimes it is necessary to ask to have an important conversation at a more convenient time. “Not now” If your spouse or partner has a topic they really want to talk about and you genuinely are in the middle of something else that can’t be set aside. Say this…”Babe, I really want to hear what you have to share with me, but now is not good. Can we schedule another time within 24 hours to get back to this subject?” Use Warning! If they agree to come back to it… follow through or this strategy will never work again!

Homework: “Not now”
Practice developing a voice and the words you might use if you wanted your partner to believe you really wanted to hear them… But not right now. Next, sit down and ask your partner if your approach would work for them. Use eye contact, tone of voice and facial expressions for practice! Listen carefully to their response! Problem solve together and let them know you want to give them what they need at a time that gives both of you a chance to focus.

I’d love to hear your response to these concepts! Tell me how it works for you…