3 attributes couples need to enhance empathy, Part 2: Questioning skills

For many people, the greatest challenge in developing empathy is to be able to genuinely make conversations about the other, not about you. A conversation can start out about the other, but then quickly flip to the one who had planned to be the listener… And the flip can be something that can happen totally unconsciously. So let’s make the unconscious – conscious, OK?

The one question that all, and I mean ALL humans respond to, is something like “tell me more about that“. Many women have told me that what they usually hear from their partners is some form of, “tell me less about that“. This message can be communicated nonverbally by simple disinterest or distraction or even verbally. But if you have chosen to be in a committed relationship with someone, you really are committing to telling that person that you want to hear more about what they have to say, not less.

Once your partner hears that consistently and believes you, you are well on the road to creating trust and empathy.

That core question can be followed up with so many other questions but humans cannot get enough of the message that someone they care about wants to hear more about what is critically important to them. This is so true for both sexes, but sometimes less obvious for guys, it is still so important.

Several days ago, a young woman told me that the first really animated conversation she had with the guy she married was when she asked what he enjoyed the most about playing video games…and really listened to his reply.

If you can tap into something that is really important to your partner and then let them hang onto the microphone, you might be very surprised to see the results. It may not have any significance for you, but if it is significant to them, you need to find out why. One of the great keys to developing apathy is to learn to love the things your partner loves. Or at least appear to care about those things!

Homework: sit down and beginning with the magic question I just gave you, write out at least 10 questions you think your partner wants you to ask about them. And then try it out for at least 30 days.

Please let me know what you learn in this wonderful process!! Lancebrowncreations@gmail.com