3 attributes couples need to enhance empathy, Part 3: YOUR perspective
This may be the most challenging element of empathy for some of you. Some of us believe strongly that our perception of life is truth. Or, that at times you feel you know the TRUTH about a situation. Even something as “simple” as who said what last night before bed can be a wonderful example…
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3 attributes couples need to enhance empathy, Part 2: Questioning skills
For many people, the greatest challenge in developing empathy is to be able to genuinely make conversations about the other, not about you. A conversation can start out about the other, but then quickly flip to the one who had planned to be the listener… And the flip can be something that can happen totally…
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3 attributes couples need to enhance empathy, Part 1
Empathy is the magic ingredient for couples who want to enhance closeness and connection. I can guarantee you that there is at least one of you in your relationship who believes they are more empathetic than the other. True? Have you guys fought over this topic? That is a huge waste of precious time and…
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Three aspects of your relationship that lead to great sexual intimacy Part 3
If there is anybody out there who guessed either of the first two aspects that must be nurtured in order to have really exceptional sexual intimacy I applaud your instincts and emotional intelligence. But number three is a whole different deal. If you guess this one I’m going to let you take over writing my…
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Three aspects of your relationship that lead to great sexual intimacy – Part 2
Sex is one of the weirdest things we will ever experience in life. It is about so many things all at once! If it was just about procreation we would have sex two or three times during our life and then call it good. But like most mammals, we have discovered that it feels good…
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Three aspects of your relationship that lead to great sexual intimacy
Everyone, absolutely everyone, will agree that there is a sharp drop off in sexual intensity in a relationship somewhere between six and nine months. It’s not that it will never return… Oh, it will, but it’s like kids returning home from college; they rarely announce their coming and you never know when they will leave…
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How to maintain a lasting friendship with your spouse, Vol.3
Before I launch into part three of the top three ways to maintain an ass-kicking friendship in marriage, I want to give you a question to continue to ask. This question not only applies in a profound way to marriage, but I believe to every aspect of a well lived life. That question is, “how…
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How to maintain the lasting friendship with your spouse, Vol. 2
We have agreed that 1) friendship is a vital element of any healthy marriage 2) the number one element in maintaining that deep and abiding friendship is mutual respect. Right? So given those assumptions, I believe the number two most important aspect of healthy marital friendship is time and presence. No, I am not cheating…
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How to maintain a lasting friendship with your spouse, Vol.1
Welcome to my new, how to more effectively manage every aspect of relationships by the numbers blog. Today will be, drumroll please…. The three most important ways to maintain a lasting friendship year in and year out in your marriage. Most blogs on marriage focus on how to maintain the tingle factor in marriage. Gravity…
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The Beginning of Spirituality
Everybody has it, it the point where all the seedlings of real faith comes into being but very few people can identify what it is. So, first of all, I want to find out if you know what it feels like. C. S. Lewis called it “an encounter with joy”. And then in his first…
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Life is messy
If you’re looking for a mess free, “hook for every question” religion, continue your search… Christianity is just not for you. But, if you seek a spiritual life based on the life of a God who understands the mess and the struggle of your life and mine, this is the place for you. A God…
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Lent for non religious types…like me Vol. 2
It’s really hard, at least for me, to not turn something that is profoundly spiritual into a pious display. Jesus loved honest spirituality. And there’s nothing that he hated more than religiosity. As soon as my focus moves from the inside to the outside, I’m in big trouble. That doesn’t mean that it never manifests…
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Lent for non religious types…like me
Lent, the period between Ash Wednesday and Easter, has always been a weird time for me. I really never knew what to do; and what not to do. It’s confusing. Not doing it makes me wonder at times if I’m really not a very good Christian. Doing it makes me wonder if I’m doing it…
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Finding Light in the Darkness: Faith in the Face of Adversity
Adversity has a way of stripping away the superficial layers of our lives, revealing the core of our being. It’s in these moments, when we’re faced with the darkest of challenges, that the true essence of our faith is tested. Yet, it’s also in these moments that we find the opportunity to discover the most…
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Love, Loss, and the Tapestry of Human Connections
Human relationships are a complex tapestry woven from threads of emotions, experiences, and shared moments. Each connection we form adds a unique pattern to this tapestry, enriching our lives with its beauty and complexity. Yet, this beauty often comes interlaced with the inevitability of loss, teaching us the value of love and the strength it…
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Navigating the Storms: The Grit and Grace of Real-Life Faith
In the journey of life, we often find ourselves navigating through storms that test the very fabric of our faith. It’s in these tumultuous times that the concept of real-life faith takes on a vivid, tangible form, embodying both the grit required to endure and the grace that envelops us, even in our darkest hours.…
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Intimate Relationships, when to bail and when to press in.
No, really! There are times in any committed relationship where you come to this fork in the road. You’re discouraged, and your partner probably is too, and they may not know how to communicate it. You may have already thought extensively about what it would be like to get out or be with someone else.…
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Beauty
When was the last time you sat back and appreciated something truly beautiful? I mean, stopping the often frenetic nature of our lives for five minutes to take it in, really savor something amazing. It could be spectacular scenery, a child’s learning how to use chopsticks, or how your spouse eats cereal in the morning.…
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Telling v.s. Experiencing
My thesis: Telling, here regarded similarly as teaching, lecturing, debating, or sermonizing in order to make a point or to show a person the error of their ways is not effective or in the subject’s best interests. AND allowing the person involved to discover the error of their ways themselves is significantly better. Of course,…
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Holiday – and life disappointment
Today is the day after Christmas. I know you are probably waking up to piles of torn and shredded wrapping paper spread all over your living room. Your Christmas tree is probably listing to the left a bit after Uncle Fred stumbled into it yesterday just before dinner. All of the presents you spent so…
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Re-imaging the manger scene
I can’t imagine that this classic scene that we’ve always seen (above) really ever happened. I know, it’s so nice to think of icons like this in a romanticized setting but scholars believe Joseph, Mary, and newborn Jesus remained in Bethlehem at least several months before they were forced to flee to Egypt. This would’ve allowed…
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Bigger inside than the outside
“Yes,” said the Lord Digory, “Its inside is bigger than its outside.” “Yes,” said Queen Lucy. “In our world too, a stable once had something inside it that was bigger than our whole world.” I love the Chronicles of Narnia! They have done so much to form my faith and to reform my insides. In…
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Children of Abraham
Jews, Muslims, Christians. ALL Abrahams children. You remember Abraham. Patriarch of all three of these great religions. One family… currently divided. The picture above is of his tomb in Hebron on the West Bank of Palestine. I have personally stood before this great holy site (Abraham’s bones are below these cenotaphs in the Cave of…
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Second President Blessing
I have been marinating in the beauty of aged and toothless John Adam’s heart and mind. My thanks to author David McCullough for an absolutely striking biography of the second president that has brought President Adams to life for me. Prior to my exposure to the second president’s life story, I had been studying the…
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Longings
I have been thinking a lot. Or maybe you could say I’ve been longing a lot. We all long… But often we aren’t aware of it. I am trying to be much more aware of my longing. In fact, unconscious longing can be dangerous for those of us living the gloriously human condition. I have…
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Judgement or love? What are my default settings?
This morning I find myself wondering where my heart starts as I engage the world each day. Do I begin with a heart that is open and offering grace and understanding as I come out of the starting blocks or am I looking to find a “hook to hang” an experience or relationship on? Am…
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Is the universe random or purposeful?
This hugely important question begs several other vital questions that boggle our finite brains. These are questions that consume many people’s lives, questions that many philosophers and theologians ask but do not believe will ever be answered. Often we slap an unexamined answer up on the blackboard without thorough examination. Here are a few of…
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Attachment distress
Attachment is committed connection. It is perhaps, our deepest and most primal need. When one feels attached, they sense their partner’s commitment to move deeper and deeper into their own definition of intimacy. Distress enters the picture when one partner feels or expresses anxiety over the felt loss of intimacy. Attachment distress is often relieved…
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Into-me-see
Part 2: The List of 12 Things In healthy attachment-based dating both partners take turns planning dates each month. Generally, one spouse will plan the first Saturday of the month and the other the third. Date planning is made risk proof by creating a “List of 12 things” each January. This is always one of…
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Marriage: a thousand little course corrections
Part 1: Creating incredible into-me-see (Intimacy) One of the most effective tools for dramatic improvement in marital communication is also the most inexpensive and easiest to implement. Over the years, I have come to call it “The Lovers Breakfast”. As the title implies, it’s a breakfast for both spouses beginning with monthly meetings, and then…
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Awe & Wonder
What causes you to experience awe and wonder at this point in your life?Do you believe feeling those things is important for you? It is incredibly important for us to experience awe and wonder on a regular basis. Now, I must acknowledge that there are aspects of what I seek in life, that do not…
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Sing!
Each morning I try to begin by allowing God to provide a framework for every new day. No two days are ever the same. And none of us has any idea whether this new day will hold mind blowing changes to our lives or be filled with those beautifully subtle experiences that continue to gently…
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Giving you my best… Daily!
One thing that I observed over and over in 45 years of marriage counseling was our tendency as humans to take those closest to us for granted. If I would just say that to most couples, they would almost instinctively reject the notion, and then upon reflection, generally would acknowledge that it is true. The…
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RE-surrection Week
Dark Saturday. That’s what it has always felt like for me. The day between the greatest sacrificial act in human history and RE-surrection. I can only imagine what the disciples and followers of Christ experienced today. But I know it had to feel dark, foreboding and hopeless. Think about it, or better yet, feel about…
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Risen
Functional Atheism? One day I want to identify as many of the elements that are toxic to a heathy spiritual as I can. So often they operate just like a very accomplished pickpocket in the subway. You don’t know that your wallet is missing until you get home. That’s what happens for me, for all…
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RE-newal
Change. If there is just one word in the English language that captures the heart of the human condition it is change. In fact, it is said that the only constant in our lives is change. But it is how we respond to change it dictates the quality of our lives, and our relationships. Change?…
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RE – ality
I just can’t stop thinking about the transformative effect of consciously choosing to re-story our lives. Because the process of restoring/re-storying our lives is born from perspective, it can never be completely objective. We unconsciously pick and choose aspects of our life narrative that fit with the story we have in our heads about ourselves. …
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“It’s not up to you!”
The voice inaudible, but crystal clear, penetrated my heart. Perhaps the most beautiful aspect of the hearing was that it was SO true. It just “felt“ true – from someone greater, smarter, clearer than me. Certainly not from me. I don’t come up with stuff like that. I am so eager to take the wheel…
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Restoration:
Definitions: “To put or to bring back to an earlier or original state” Fascinating, right? So if we are talking about personal restoration, the definition would suggest that we are being put back to “an earlier or original state.” Does this mean our goal is to get back to the garden? Back to God’s original…
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Truth
Why? Why do humans respond to truth in such a way? We seek truth, we claim to be willing to climb the highest mountain or swim the deepest sea to find truth. But when we find it, we first ridicule it. Then we violently oppose it, and finally accept it as being self evident. This…
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Intimate Relationships
Over the next few months I really would like to focus on intimate relationships in the gloriously human condition. So just a word of clarity before we begin. I believe that every relationship we have in life needs to have a degree of intimacy. I don’t believe there is a border wall between those that…
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RE-tirement
Retirement is such an odd dynamic in life. Just the word implies static, lack of movement and retreat. Many in this time of life invest a tremendous amount of energy moving backward in life. Resentment, regret, and life hurts dominate and sap their energy and ravage their bodies. Life by design is dynamic, moving forward…
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MY Gloriously Human Condition
My gloriously human condition is ever-changing. Six months ago I accepted an invitation from a couple who are potentially my best friends on the planet. They invited me to visit them in their vacation home in Tucson for a couple of days. Having lived in Seattle for the past 25 years I thought my body…
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Glorious Pauses
Have you ever caught yourself saying or doing some thing and then pausing to make sure that you believe it is what you really wanted to do or say? As I age, I find myself doing this more and more and I’m pretty happy about it. That pause, see what I just did there? Commas…
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Child-like
Anyone who has experienced being grown-up for even one day understands how overrated it is. I know all of us probably spent a lot of our childhood’s wishing we were an adult. Whether it was because our circumstances were unbearable as a child, or we simply thought the accoutrements of adulthood were too enticing. Most…
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Happy Marriage?
Our wonky culture has a tendency to create great confusion about what our goal in marriage is. Very often the message is that marriage exists primarily to meet our needs and to make us happy. As I have observed hundreds of marriages very closely in my office in marriage counseling it has become clear to…
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God Came Near
14 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. John 1:14 Why? Why would a transcendent being care to even trouble himself with us problematic humans? And if this is…
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No Fear
Fear has many faces. Generalized anxiety, panic attacks, self protective behaviors, isolation, and control to mention a few. We feel it without even feeling it. It influences us even when are unaware of his presence. It is everywhere in our lives, and in our world. It’s malevolent presence affects nearly everything we do in someway.…
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Traveling in the Dark
“There will be dark days ahead”. We may have heard this from frantic parents, cautioning teachers, or pastors imploring us to “gird our loins” in preparation for the apocalypse. We all have dark days. Ten days wrestling with coronavirus, a teenage child who drops off the grid for 24 hours, or a credit card fraud…
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Brokenhearted God
“When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi. ” Matthew 2:16 NIV I have witnessed incredible suffering…
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Goodness
“Let thy goodness like a fetter bind my wandering heart to thee.” “Come Thou Fount” Robert Robinson This amazing verse to the equally amazing song, “Come Thou Fount”, has always brought me to tears. Always. It could make me cry anywhere. I wasn’t fully aware of why that was until I discovered that I had…
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